It is almost the anniversary of my beloved master Osho’s departure from his physical form that happened January 19, 1990.

This  was a potent awakening moment for many of his disciples. Through the incredible feeling of loss,  sannyasins gathered, came together, shared, cried, celebrated. Chaitanyo was the Swiss sannyas node (pre-internet email postings), so within days, he sent out a sannyas news of all the reports from Poona.

I was so touched and thankful, I called him immediately and invited him over to watch the upcoming eclipse of the moon. So we met. It was like a gift from the Master that we got to find each other and fall in love. It was very beautiful, cosmic, divine.  After some months of honeymoon, the button-pushing, old dysfunctional habits, patterns, reactions surfaced with an intensity that could not be lightly ignored. This included fights and arguments, tears and upset followed by that very well-known highly-charged make-up sex.

Right from the start, I felt we had world work to do. Our first project together was a sannyas newsletter that went to about 2000 Swiss sannyasins. I still find that first set of newsletters so very beautiful. I wanted to bring the 7 o’clock meditation into a global unity around the world, wanted to spread the celebration that is sannyas, bring music and dance as our birth right, to demonstrate all one had to do was raise the arms and grace would descend into the form, that the church of women has no roof, nature is blessed.

After two years of ups and downs, the house where we lived burned down. This was one of those life moments, a before the fire or after the fire that marks a moment of change and also no return. I knew my time in Switzerland was done. Chaitanyo thought about returning to India.

After only a very short time, we concluded that we should marry so that we could move to the US together. I wanted to return to California, and after a beautiful drive up the coast to redwood country, we landed in a little fishing cabin rental so charming that we stayed an extra day. That meant we were there to be at the epicenter of the 7.0 Petrolia earthquake.

Chaitanyo liked the rocking and rolling, glad to experience it, though driving back to the main highway was treacherous and the road was only opened for a short while. We drove through the Redwood Forest with downed limbs but not trees. The road was an obstacle course.  I was terrified, probably had PTSD for several months after it.

It was clear that that gorgeous country was not pulling me to stay but rather kicking me out! Chaitanyo always wanted to visit the parks of the Southwest, but I wasn’t inclined to do so until after that earthquake. The passionate discussion of the day was Where is it safe? So we looked for a spot to land to remain out of the danger zone.

Our journey through the great parks, Yosemite, Death Valley, Grand Canyon, Bryce Canyon brought us eventually to Taos New Mexico, far from the potential of oceans rising or tornados devastating or the earth shaking (though there are earthquakes. Just mild ones you don’t really feel.)

All along way, we were looking to find where to stop and put up stakes. Funny enough, there was just a huge storm while we were in Flagstaff, AZ that meant we skipped Sedona as one possible destination. We looked at Durango and Pagosa Springs, but Colorado, while green and lush, didn’t hold our attention. We eventually got to Taos.

What it had to offer was a big sky, a health food store and a small population. It had been six months of no home, only hotels and restaurants and I wanted to stay in a vacation rental for a few weeks. I think I must have had altitude sickness, because my wish to find a short term rental where I would be able to view the upcoming lunar eclipse led us to rent a house that had a year lease!

Well, at least it had spectacular views! As I write this, I’m interested in how much influence moon-watching has had on my psyche. I still like to watch the phases of the moon, but that wish meant that we moved all the our belongings from the Swiss container (wasn’t much left really after the fire) to Taos to set up a new home and work.

There is a myth that the mountain either keeps you or spits you out. I don’t know about that, but Taos is a place full of conflicting values, high poverty, gangs, beauty, a mesmerizing sky and really cool people. So it has both yin and yang. The question of staying or leaving comes up frequently for many people, at least many of the anglo transplants I know.

The people who have it the easiest are those who retire here with their pension or retirement. You just can’t move here and try to make a living! Nurses and doctors fare pretty well, but this is a lousy economy where the big depression of the ’30s didn’t change things much. But Taos captured us and in that first year, we published a magazine called Taos Time that eventually caught the attention of Ra who wanted to bring Human Design to the US.

He looked at our charts and with the 21 (I have) to the 45 in the Throat that Chaitanyo has, he thought we’d be good at making money. We are really good at making and producing things. All that we collaborated on has been beautiful. But we never made money very well. We’d moved from our high-rent house when the year lease was up to a funky converted garage to save money. This was the ruin of a place where we were when Ra first came.

We tried to discourage him from staying with us, but he insisted, so that dwelling was getting us into town, down from the mountain. Our electro-magnetic 21-45 in the chart was a powerful teaching tool for us and it took me 18 years to finally unpack all the trauma and dysfunction it stored. But this is part of the amazing journey I had to master Human Design and to really get how conditioning works. Ra once said, “you are the only people I came to. Everyone else came to me.”

I think that cosmic twist of fate that landed the Human Design System on our doorstep was one of those signs “this is for you.” The magazine, while beautiful, was an enormous amount of work, a new guy moved to Taos to offer a very similar free ‘zine, thereby cutting into our advertising income just when it was about to turn around. The last issue had an article on Human Design. We were ready to drop the magazine. At the same time, a Dept of Agriculture grant that I’d applied for to teach locals how to make bedding from wool got funded, amazing, real money! So as we dropped the magazine, we could begin the task of making a Human Design business.

Chaitanyo began to develop the graphic components for the training materials that would eventually emerge as the Course 2.1. So began our life  following this road. I loved Human Design but disagreed with many things I was taught. The increased aggravation for Chaitanyo to be given “design” permission wrecked havoc in the relationship. As he would leave the room after leaving a toxic emotional discharge, I began stomping after him to tell him that he had to absolutely stop it. He would lock his doors, I would pound and scream myself hoarse. It was truly the darkest days of our relationship and I have to say, thanks to a very unwholesome application of Human Design.

During this period, I traveled as much as I could. I couldn’t stand my relationship. My breath was terrible, an indication of what was to come as my digestion continued its spiral down into autoimmune disorders and an eventual breakdown of the body. But I get ahead of myself. Chaitanyo and I traveled to Switzerland to see his father once more before he died. I really wanted to go so that I could probe and find out what happened in his childhood that had left its marks on the man. That visit was a turning point for us. I felt clear that the work on one’s relationship doesn’t matter who you’re with ultimately. It’s one’s own buttons that are always getting pushed. So I resolved to work on myself, on my emotional nature and make new experiments in learning about being emotionally aware.

I would feel the tension rising in Chaitanyo, ask him if he could feel it, and invariably he would answer me something along the lines of Why are you getting mad at me? unable to recognize the Heart center energy disturbance. He was very frustrated by the mountains of debt I incurred due to property and business, also not happy with my lack of sexual responsiveness, and as the months moved on, I continued to attempt the “do you feel how tense you are?” question, until one day in late summer of 2003, he said Yes. It was a Hallelujah moment for me.

I said, okay, good. Let’s leave this now and talk when we’re calm. Shortly thereafter, we had the first discussion of divorce, that I would take all the property and debt, he would be relieved of all obligations and we could divide up the household items so we’d each have enough to start again.

This was a major breakthrough in that story of the 21-45. He couldn’t stand the debt, but for me, it was ridiculous to think of bankruptcy when the property, though encumbered, offset the debt to just about break-even. New Mexico divorce law makes it very easy. It was over in just days. The judge agreed to our negotiated settlement. I could refinance the houses, cash out to pay off Chaitanyo’s credit cards and get myself some credit relief as well. This was just as the property boom was coming on, so it was easy.

Chaitanyo ended up with a stellar credit rating and I could continue on that path of using the equity in the property to finance my full time devotion to starting over with the interpretation of Human Design. It would take me another four years before I could get Chaitanyo’s attention and time to help me produce the Course manual. This was also a powerful test and lesson to me to not argue with Chaitanyo when he got agitated and restless over something he didn’t feel comfortable about.

In the past, I would just argue him into the ground with my strong mind, being sure I was right and his resistance was just him giving me a hard time. Learning to listen, to let in what he had to say, was transformational, as I continually ended up with an improved page or a well-conceived reordering of the pages. I was aware that by design, he really has the last word, and any attempts on my side just use the Heart center conditioning are an interference with flow.

The Course  manual was done, and per Chaitanyo’s request, I hurriedly recorded the lessons as the first draft that would take me another three years before I was really ready to teach the Course. After some months of intense focus, I was able to record those lessons, and along the way, edit out the final old style design pieces that were still in that 2007 Course manual. Chaitanyo had left Human Design. He felt that the competitive center of the Human Design world made Human Design a dead end. He had shifted into new work in the world he really enjoyed. His new work  has turned out to be very beautiful and transformational.  Wow!

After so many years, his inner light, love and beauty are now revealed. In the months of the final edit of the Course manual, he has been so easy to work with. It’s so enormously gratifying to experience the evolution of the relationship and as we set each other free to pursue the work that feels like ours to do, we come to this anniversary 21 years later. Last week,  I couldn’t sleep. I was calm, yet all night, I was with a sense of Osho, that Chaitanyo helped me to get this manual done, it was accomplished. To see him move into his own life is a let go, and so in this long night, I felt a tremendous blessing, gratefulness, satisfaction and a divine integration of the relationship. It felt like the cycle was coming to a conclusion. I learned the lesson and was filled with love. The master’s radiance pours through.

In the morning, I told Chaitanyo of my night, of the feeling of integration, a sense of what Osho gave to me to have him as my Human Design device through which I was forced to learn how it worked. He replied, he too was visited during the night by Osho in a dream. What a glorious path it is to be a disciple of Osho and to have the life unfold into awakening.